only connect
I’m trying to wrap my head around the idea of loneliness. Perhaps this is an impossible task. Mainly, I wonder how much loneliness is a product of circumstances, and how much it is a condition of the spirit. Do I feel lonely because I lack a particular kind of friendship in my life, or because I am dissatisfied in some way with the friendships that I do possess? Maybe ‘possess’ is too strong a word here, for a true friendship is something that coexists between two people, both contributing their part but neither capable of encompassing the whole.
Anyway, I wonder if too often we are striving after an ideal, seeking something that does not—cannot—exist in this imperfect world. Over the years, I have been fortunate to have known so many wonderful people, some of them briefly and others for longer periods of time. I have had more friends than many people, and I have also seen many of those friendships fade; this is the greatest blessing and curse of mobility. Yet despite knowing such wonderful people, I have never been able to shake a quiet, persistent sense of separation, of separateness. If you were to ask me, “When was the last time you didn’t feel lonely?”; I’m not sure I could give you an answer. Like I said, I suspect this has little to do with the quantity or quality of my friendships, and more likely reveals something about my own soul.
But perhaps I am not so alone in my loneliness as I might suppose. Surely there are others who feel this way. Maybe—is this too grand a claim to make?—this thing I am describing here is actually just the human condition. It could be that we are lonely because we expect too much, and we would have better luck if we were to look at things the other way around. If I wish to cultivate a meaningful friendship with you, perhaps I ought to start with the assumption that you are ultimately unknowable to me in your entirety. (Can I even fully know myself?) I cannot know you completely, but I can know you at least in part. And we procede from there.
Only connect! That was the whole of her sermon. Only connect the prose and the passion and both will be exalted, and human love will be seen at its height. Live in fragments no longer.
–E.M. Forster, Howard’s End
“…I suspect this has little to do with the quantity or quality of my friendships, and more likely reveals something about my own soul.” I identify with so much of what you have said. No, you are not so alone. Others such as I just haven’t been able to express it as you have.
Only ONE can know each of us completely, and He longs for our friendship and fellowship. Perhaps that emptiness is, as someone said, a God-shaped vacuum which only He can truly fill.
Keep writing. Keep encouraging us. Keep seeking His leading. I am so blessed to know you and love you as my wise daughter. LYF
I think I wasn’t lonely in college. I didn’t feel lonely anyway. But then, my friendships were sort of fake and insubstantial, fading almost as soon as I left, a lot of them. The girl who was my best friend didn’t give me the time of day after 2 years, although she swore she still cared (yeah right). So even the pursuit of “not feeling lonely,” that can be worthless. Sigh.
Sorry that you feel that way!! but I think we need someone who is able to communicate with us in a certain way, like that they completely understood what do we need to say, do or even think about. I have part of your feeling because I can’t find a person who is sharing me my ideas and thoughts!!
It has taken me far too long to get to your blog and begin to read! I am sorry my friend. Either way, your writing is so soothing. I will go and read the back entries a little at a time.
I think you are right in that loneliness is part of the human condition. Many spiritual traditions hold that we have all come from the same source and that our bodily separateness is the only way in which we are closed off from each other. It could be that you are sensing the separateness as something unnatural and not along the lines of what your heart feels, your instinct telling you that we are not separate. Or something!
When I was first reading your post, I was thinking of the “Not all who wander are lost” quote. Indeed we have some of the same experiences of going to different places in the world by ourselves. It can be lonely, but it is not devastatingly so. I try to keep positive and take it as my cue to reach out to others. Also, I’ll give a call to a friend, as it seems my friends are not that good at reaching out when they need help and are likely to be suffering more than I am and keeping it quiet. Also, if I do not have an actual appointment with someone to spend time with me that day, I will still go to a public place and sit and read for a while, so that I can see others and hear snippets of their conversations. When my city in Japan was snowed in for the winter, the eerie silence of having all sounds of life absorbed by the snow would get to me. At one point all of my friends went on vacation and I was horribly alone. I would go to a coffee shop, and even just talking to the waitress would help me to feel better. Writing letters is like a delayed conversation and can help as well.
I send my hugs, and thanks for keeping in touch!
The older I get (I’m pushing 50), the more it’s confirmed to me that if we get out of this life having had four or five deep friendships, we’re blessed indeed. I’ve been blessed. Largely because the most authentic one has been with the Lord. Next, with my wife (I chose carefully, and I chose well. All glory to God!) But the quasi-friendships — the ones we too quickly write off as superficial — are important, too. Those, I have found, are the true antidote to loneliness. People you enjoy being around, but with whom you haven’t had the luxury of time, experiences or temperament to draw you closer.
But one can’t exist on those alone and feel satisfied. You need it all, and that starts at the feet of God.